[XR5]

I spent ten years in the NSW cops working Southwest Sydney and due to the things I saw, did and had to endure day in and day out I was discharged in 2011 with chronic post traumatic stress disorder, chronic major depressive disorder and all the anxiety and fear of public places and large groups that come with those. It all stemmed from an incident in 2007 involving some shots fired, colleagues injured etc. that was just the last straw though. It triggered everything I have been involved in over the years like fatals, bad pursuits, suicides, shootings, murders and basically seeing exactly what humans are capable of doing to one another.

My symptoms basically became quick to violence, no patience, fear of public places, always looking for risks, sit with back to wall, easily startled by loud noises especially from behind, feel worthless, low self esteem, paranoid of being watched and can't take enjoyment out of anything.

My paranoia of being spoken to or fear in public was to the extent that, even though I already had the majority of them before the incident, I have two sleeves worth of tattoos, grew a great big bikie beard and basically made myself as unapproachable looking as you could. It acted like and still does act like a protection mechanism.

I managed it quite well for a few years with anti depressants but last year had a major relapse. My aggression was sky high and would not come down for days. It got so bad that I had to be hospitalised for three weeks at St John Of God Hospital in Sydney and do their PTSD course while my meds were changed. Things have gotten a lot better now but I still take anti depressants and mood stabilisers in order to keep things at bay and have come to terms with the fact that I probably will take these meds for the rest of my life.

After dealing with this for the last eight years I have a great psychiatrist, have meds that are working and I understand what they do in things like the mood stabilisers won't stop me getting angry but will give me time to realise stuff like, hang on I need to disengage from this situation before I lose the plot and get aggressive or violent etc. I have also had to come to terms with the fact that I am probably about as better as I am ever going to get but have adapted my life to suit this. Yep, I am not a social butterfly and am quiet in a group but that is ok with me. I have triggers like a news story, seeing a Police Car, the colour red (blood) and God knows how many others that trigger flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety etc. I can only really do one thing at a time. Give me two tasks to do and I panic about getting them done and I have small things happen that can trigger me into tears or major depressive days but I know who I am and I know what I have. That doesn't mean that I like the me I am now or that I am not angry about it and feel like pieces of me have stolen but I realise that what I have left of the old me is what I have and is better than nothing.

My advice to anyone, don't try to hide it. That only makes it worse. Don't be ashamed of it. It has been around for years. We are lucky to live in a time where it has been recognised. Don't be afraid to ask for help. More people are aware of these issues now than any other time in our history and the most important thing is that due to all our symptoms I think we often feel like we are the only ones going through these things. We are not alone. There are heaps of people out there that are exactly like us. When I was in hospital everyone in my PTSD ward had the same feelings and symptoms and I truly felt more at ease and at peace in there than I had in years.

Basically, as now I think my rant has gone off the rails and is starting to not make sense, is that if you know something is not right get help, don't be afraid, don't be scared. It shows you have more guts and courage by asking for help than it does trying to hide the symptoms and soldier on.

Cheers guys. Sorry for long winded post.